So sadly I have realized that I have got to give up hope on this one guy. Which really sucks because I don't come along guys that like my music and are also artsy and such and idk I guess it wasn't supposed to go farther than..well where it was at lol.

suckage.

I've been listening to Elliott Smith & Bon Iver to help myself from getting really down. Because I'm honestly sad about this and wish I didn't have to give up.

I can't understand guys. Or what I did wrong this time. :( I can't figure it out and it's bugging me so bad. Oh well, everything happens for a reason.

Strangely, I have gotten myself into a sorta good mood right now. I decided to make a happy summery playlist on my itunes and I ended up listening to them and singing. And now it's 2:28 am and I'm still not tired.

If I were to describe these last two or so weeks, I would just say one word: "poop." I'm kinda feeling overwhelmed by all the crap that's been flying in my direction lately.

In the last 3 days...

-I have had one of those days where you feel like whining because nothing seems to be happening for you. That same day everything irritated me like crazy and certain people were being so unappreciative after I had done them many favors that day.

-I finally had to recognize the reality of my grandma's cancer, which came again. I went downtown to her appointment and waited with her for an hour while they put fluid through an IV in her body because she was really dehydrated from the radiation. She had a look of pain everytime she swallowed liquid because it hurt really bad, and she looked so colorless and fatigued. I'm just really scared for her since she's already really weak and tiny. And I'm worried for my mom too because we already lost my grandpa to cancer.

-And last night topped it off. My parents told me and my sister that our Nana and Lindsey(her friend), found their friend, Guy, dead in his apartment a couple days ago. He commited suicide. I see him usually when I go up to Seattle, and so this is just another thing to feel down about right now.

k good mood is kind gone, and I'm a little tired now...so maybe I'll just go to bed finally.

done with highschool.

wow that was fast.

I'm gonna miss it a little. not gonna lie

by the way, i think the song "ghost of a good thing" by dashboard was written to me.

haha no, but it makes a whole lotta sense.

mmmusic speaks so many truths.

get this. In 2 days I uploaded 35 cd's since i haven't been able to update my ipod since last July pretty much.

how on earth do people do it?

letting go of something they want more than anything.

seriously, am I as weak as I think I am?

This is going to be so hard even though I know it's for the better.

For now though, my mind is going...nuts..bonkers...craaazy. :(

oh boy oh boy oh boy.

ya know all the weird but cool theories of time? Like the one where every possible choice to be made in a single situation has its own world? Yeah. I wish that I was stuck in the world where everything is great and la dee daaaaa I don't have to deal with this :(

I know, I know, life isn't like that where everything is dandy all the time, but I'm really tired of dealing with personal hardships...because even though they say it makes you stronger in the end....well I definitely don't think I have become stronger as a result.

hmm. This is kind of a useless rant now...

good night kids!

Currently Listening We the Kings By We the Kings see related

So I got the new Death Cab For Cutie CD the day it came out!

Actually, my dad spontaneously bought it for me because he saw it on my birthday list but at the time it wasn't released yet. Idk, weird considering my parents don't ever buy me stuff out of the blue lol.

So my feelings on the cd are that I already knew it was going to be darker compared to Plans, and it yeah it was. But I haven't really fell in love with any of the songs, which I do with great albums pretty easily. Anyways, so I decided to just read the lyrics to the songs, ya know from the inside of the cd cover. Pretty much every song to me speaks brilliant poetry. Maybe it's because I have never really written a really good poem, and I'm just in awe of Ben Gibbards writing skills.

So even though at first listen I didn't love the songs as much as I did with the last cd, I give major kudos to the lyrics of each song because I love how they're written, and I enjoy listening to lyrics that aren't always about how much they love someone and blah blah blah. I mean yeah love and such should be sung about, but if so I like if they sing about a situation in particular dealing with love that is not the same ol' repetitive shtuff you hear from R&B singers for example.

yeah ok that turned out to be way longer than I planned haha. Well, I was just going to quote some of the songs I enjoyed reading from Death Cab's new cd. :)

"-there was no more sunlight anymore/ and it dissappeared at the same speed/ as the idealistic things I believed/ when the optimist died inside of me."

"Oh, my talking bird/ though you know so few words/ they're on infinite repeat/ like your brain can't keep up with your beak/ and you're kept in an open cage/ so you're free to leave or stay/------and it's all here for you as long as you choose to stay/ it's all here for you as long as you don't fly away."

"-it's hard to want to stay awake when everyone you meet/ they all seem to be asleep/ and you wonder if you're missing a dream you just can't see/-"

"I’m starting to feel/ we stay together out of fear of dying alone/ I’ve been slipping through the years/ my old clothes don’t fit like they once did/ so they hang like ghosts of the people I’ve been/ and it’s like my heart cant contain/ I fall in love every day/ and I feel like a fool/ but I have to face the truth that no one could ever look at me like you do/ like I’m something worth holding on to/ there’s times I think of leaving/ but it’s something I’ll never do/ cause you can do better than me, but I can’t do better than you."

Currently Listening Narrow Stairs By Death Cab for Cutie Grapevine Fires see related